The Buddha on Clearings and Feedback
Relationships are essential to individual and collective development. Unfortunately, relational skillfulness and tools are often overlooked in communities and organizations. This oversight leads to a range of problems—from soul-deadening workplaces to community scandals. In this post, I want to share what the Buddha taught about practicing relational skills.
Traditionally Buddhist "skillful speech" lists four ways of speaking to avoid:
Lying
Divisive speech
Abusive or harsh speech
Idle chatter
Today I want to focus on non-idle chatter because it tends to get overlooked. Often, non-idle chatter is said to be for monastics, implying that casual conversations among laypeople are acceptable. While there's merit to this perspective, I'd like to invite a different viewpoint. Practicing non-idle chatter is essential because it is practicing alive speech.
Around 2500 years ago, the Buddha created a monastic order that embodied the principle of alive speech. There are two practices in particular that exemplify these teachings: clearings and feedback. Let's begin by exploring clearings. In Buddhism, there is a ceremony known as "uposatha," typically held during the new and full moons. It's often translated as a "repentance ceremony," historically involving monastics openly revealing their own unskillful actions within the community. One interpretation of this ceremony that has influenced my life stems from the Plum Village community led by the late Thich Nhat Hanh. Thich Nhat Hanh transformed the uposatha into a ritual he named "Beginning Anew." This ritual serves as an opportunity to clear the air and start afresh in one's relationships—an embodiment of alive speech. Beginning Anew comprises three components:
Watering Seeds: In this segment, we share appreciations, expressing what we value about each other. It's akin to nurturing the seeds of goodness within us and fosters a beautiful exchange of gratitude.
Expressing Regrets: This part encourages us to acknowledge our actions that may have been unskillful or negatively impacted others. It's an opportunity for self-reflection and taking responsibility.
Expressing Hurts and Difficulties: The final component involves discussing challenges and unresolved issues within the relationship. This allows for addressing lingering tensions and fostering honest and open communication.
Beginning Anew serves as a means of clearing up any unresolved issues or misunderstandings that might otherwise fester over time, hindering authentic connection. I've practiced Beginning Anew with romantic partners, housemates, and professional colleagues. It operates like routine maintenance for a car engine, preventing the buildup of unresolved issues and ensuring smooth, healthy functioning of relationships. This practice has allowed me to stay mindful and present in my interactions with others, free from the distractions of past grievances. It exemplifies the power of clearing and the transformative potential of alive speech in nurturing meaningful connections.
Now, I'd like to share another example that illustrates the importance of alive speech: feedback. While it may seem like a modern concept, the Buddha recognized its significance and emphasized its importance within the monastic code. In one story within the monastic tradition, during a long, rainy winter season when monastics practiced together, a group of monks pondered how to create an environment conducive to harmony. Some suggested taking a vow of silence, refraining from talking to each other. However, when the Buddha learned of this approach, he discouraged it. Instead, he proposed an alternative—something that truly embodies alive speech. Instead he suggested that each monk formally invite the more senior monks to provide feedback on their practice and their contribution to the community.
This practice might initially evoke nervousness and fear. Receiving feedback on one's conduct and practice can be intimidating. However, this tradition serves as a valuable means of personal and communal growth. It acknowledges that we often remain unaware of our blind spots until others point them out. This lack of open communication within communities can lead to trouble and even scandals, as issues go unaddressed.
I'd like to offer a couple of personal examples. I participate in men's groups where requesting feedback is part of our culture. To become a member of one of these groups, we ask at least ten people in our lives—family, friends, and colleagues—for feedback on our strengths and areas for improvement. This process revealed intriguing insights that I wouldn't have anticipated. For instance, both my mother and a close female friend independently mentioned that I appeared somewhat naive in my romantic relationships. Their shared observation made me really reflect on the ways I was showing up in my romances.
In another men's group, we conduct a ritual known as "gold and cuts." During this exercise, each member shares feedback for one man in the form of appreciations (gold) and areas where we might be hindering our own progress (cuts). In one instance, I received challenging feedback that I initially disagreed with: several men expressed that I came across as haughty, distant and aloof, making it hard to connect with me. While it was tough to hear, I realized that multiple people were highlighting the same issue, which indicated a likely blind spot.
These two practices for alive speech—clearings and feedback—were taught by the Buddha as a means to maintain healthy relationships in community. Embracing these practices takes courage. While these conversations may seem daunting, they are often more feasible than we imagine, and they hold the potential for transformative growth.
