REACTIVITY PART II: WORKING WITH REACTIVITY IN THE MOMENT WITH FOCUSING

In last week’s post I addressed the issue of reactivity and broke it down into two parts: (1) cultivating an equanimous mind and (2) defusing reactivity once it’s been stimulated. Last time I discussed developing a mindfulness meditation practice to cultivate an equanimous mind. This week, I want to offer a powerful tool to help leaders cool their reactivity once it’s already aflame.

If you’re already in a really agitated, reactive state, doing meditation may not be that helpful in the moment. My clients often find themselves in an anxiety-stress-anger loop and they need some way to settle their nervous system so they can focus on their work and show up for their responsibilities without affecting/infecting other people with their agitation. For these situations, I recommend focusing.

FOCUSING

Focusing is a process that allows an afflictive emotion to move through the mind rather than getting caught in a reactive proliferation. I highly suggest Ann Cornell’s book The Power of Focusing. Essentially, the process invites you to identify and externalize the afflictive emotion and then engage it in a dialogue as though you’re talking with another person. If you haven’t done anything like this, I want to acknowledge that this sounds pretty “woo-woo” and “out there.” However, I’ve tried this with many executives who had that reaction and are now huge proponents of the practice.

Below are a series of simple steps for Focusing:

1. ARRIVE AND SETTLE

Find a quiet, undisturbed space and let the body arrive with a relaxed attentive posture similar to the mindfulness instructions in my last post.

2. IDENTIFY WHAT’S THERE

Once you have a sense of your physical body, scan around and look for what sensations are most intense. Often times afflictive emotions can show up in the center of the torso. You may have some particular thing you want to work with coming in but I recommend you let go of your agenda and check with what wants your attention. Once you find it, describe it to yourself in detail. What’s the size, shape, texture, color, motion? From here, find a name for the feeling. Maybe it’s shame, anger, resentment, guilt. Try saying it and see if your body sensations respond to it in some way that confirms it’s a fit.

3. GREET IT

Once you’ve identified the feeling and named it, and the name resonates, just say hello to it. For example, “Hello resentment.” Acknowledge it as though it’s another person and notice if the physical experience of it shifts after you greet it. Often times, just the acknowledgment can be relieving.

4. HAVE A GENUINELY CURIOUS CONVERSATION

Next, engage it in conversation as though you’re having a conversation with someone you really care about. Get curious about their experience and what they have to share. Don’t try to get it to go away or stop bothering you. And you MUST be genuine in this. It’s inside your mind so it has an excellent bullshit detector.

Try some questions like “What’s upsetting you?” or “What do you need?” and then listen for what comes up. Don’t think too hard about it, just be open to whatever comes up in the mind. And it’s important to relate to this as though it is the feeling speaking–not you.

I find it helpful to empathize with the voice of the feeling. I’ll even repeat back what I heard and check for what needs might be underneath what they’re saying. The more you can treat it like a real conversation, the more tends to comes forth.

5. CLOSE THE CONVERSATION

When you think the feeling has said its peace, you can ask it if there’s anything else. If not, thank it for speaking with you and close the conversation.

My clients consistently find this profoundly shifts their reactivity and afflictive emotional state once it’s already strongly agitated. That said, you can also use this when the situation isn’t acute as well. It’s a good emotional intelligence awareness practice to do on a regular basis. There are often underlying feelings and needs that affect us whether we are aware of them or not. Bringing them to our conscious awareness provides relief, information, and solutions.

If you want to learn more about how these and other wisdom tools can benefit you and your organization, drop me a line.